Heartbreak and the Price of Love

I’ve been single for quite some time now; partially by choice and partially because of my tendency to scare the hell out of any interested man in a matter of minutes either by being “too intense” or by unfiltered talking, dropping the “bipolar bomb of truth” right after meeting and shaking hands. (This one is my best friend’s biggest pet peeve with me as it relates to dating) I just tend to find myself being single and most of the time am very content with that status. Needless to say, if Liam decided to meet me at the airport and whisk me away to some charming chapel/cathedral/justice of the peace and marry me, I would most certainly gladly surrender my single person status. Liam aside, this has worked for me for well over a decade.

I have witnessed great relationships that have stood the test of time and human weakness, of difficult days, addiction, illness and loss. I have also watched as good people ripped each other to shreds on a daily basis, tearing into each other’s souls with thorny lies and hurtful truths. I have listened to a woman with blackened eyes and swollen lip tell me she’s going back; she must because she loves him and he’s sorry and it won’t happen again. I have held many friends while they cried themselves sick with broken hearts because someone cheated, someone lied, someone fell out of love, someone stopped listening, stopped caring and ultimately, stopped showing up.

I myself have held someone in my heart for years and years, believing that our time together was magical, driven by Destiny and blessed by the Universe, only to find out that he had all but forgotten me a long, long time ago. It was a nice time for him, nothing to memorialize or even to build on. Temporary passing between two bodies moving through space and time; an instant in a nano second of the Big Picture. Blink and you’ve missed it. While I saw it as a reunion between two souls who had lived many lifetimes together, finding each other again.

So, I have to ask myself: was the happiness you experienced worth all the heartache that followed? Is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? Is the price of loving and being loved, if only for that Moment in Time worth the heartbreak that followed? Is it worth the risk of heartbreak to feel even temporarily safe and sound, soul aglow, being loved and loving? I have come to believe that for me, the answer is yes. Will I open my heart to the first person who gives me a smile or flirts with me? Most definitely not. I have grown in my understanding of my role in protecting my heart and no longer open it to any and all. It’s far too precious for that. But I also cannot continue to keep it locked up, surrounded by a vast stone wall, either. Once again, my goal is balance and I believe the more I can accept and love myself, the happier I will be, whether single or coupled.