O.M.A. – Other Mother Always

My ex-husband’s mother, Margie, passed away last month and her birthday was yesterday. I am still coming to terms with what that means to me personally and to those who knew her and loved her. She told me once that when someone new comes into your life, you don’t kick anyone out, you just make more room in your heart for them. That was the essence of who she was; loving, all-inclusive, funny, fiercely protective of her loved ones and generous to a fault. She was my rock when I felt I like the riptide of mental instability was pulling me under; she reminded me I was more than a diagnosis and she never gave up on me. She is one of the first people to give me a mirror that wasn’t shattered, distorted or warped; I could see the beauty, the promise, the goodness and the strength that she saw. For this and for too many other reasons to mention, I will carry her with me in my heart, speak her words of love and compassion, make room in my heart for those who need a safe harbor and I will continue to talk to her, sing to her and if I ever do get married again, I know she will be wearing her dancing shoes and dancing up a storm, as promised. Until we meet again.

Fate’s Saving Grace

There are those who go through Life blindly trudging their way through each day, with no direction or purpose in their stride, just trying to make it through until they can escape into the refuge of the night and the fantasy of sleep, only to rise again in the morning and repeat the monotony of another day. They seem to believe that this is their destiny, to accept what is offered to them, no matter how incomplete they may feel, for this is all that they deserve. They like themselves, but do not truly love the person they are; they do what is expected of them and never question what they are told. They exist, but do not enjoy or love the life that is theirs.

If Fate looks kindly upon these people and if they can keep their eyes and hearts open, someone will enter their life who will help them to realize that they are indeed a very special person; that they can realize their hopes and make their dreams a reality. This someone will not tell them what to do, but offer them a way to accomplish what they desire; or maybe by speaking to them, listening to their words, can help them help themselves. By being a different kind of mirror for them to see themselves through, without all the insecurities and faults they see; with a clearer reflection of who they really are.

To encounter a person such as this is a very rare find indeed and should be treasured for their talents and dedication. In a world that is mostly negative and cold, it is exceptionally refreshing to find someone who is positive and warm, genuine and caring and truly desires to help those who do not know how to help themselves.

Such a person may sound like a dream or a character from a child’s book of fairy tales but I have found a person who is all of this and more; she has helped me to realize that I was one of those people stumbling blindly through my days and has given me the praise, encouragement and wisdom that has enabled me to love myself enough to demand more from Life than what is offered, to realize that dreams can become realities and to know that nothing is impossible so long as you believe. I do believe.

 

Happy Birthday Baby Boy

Wow. 26 years have passed since a terrified 20 year old brand-new mother held a miracle in her arms and felt the Universe shift. This tiny, crying miniature man owned my heart the moment our eyes met. The love I felt was unparalleled by any emotion I had ever felt before. There was something else, too; a fierceness in that love. A feeling that I would gladly give my life to save his, that I would tear apart anything and anyone that would try to do him harm. I truly felt as though God Himself had sent this angelic creature to me to save my life, give me a reason to live and remind me of the beauty and light that only children (newborns especially) can bring. I used to think that each and every newborn carried with them a piece of heaven, an invisible blanket of clouds sewn by angels to protect the soul inside the fragile vessel. Every parent knows the feeling, a strange mix of elation, fear, joy and protectiveness; I had never had anything so precious, so completely helpless and dependent upon me for everything. It was a bit overwhelming (especially after about 48 hours of labor, an emergency c-section delivery) but I knew this life we had created was going to change the course of my life, help me to become a stronger person, a better person and would challenge me in many ways (especially the teenage years) and that has been the case. We have literally grown up together, had our fights, our old hurts to work through, I’ve had to take responsibility for causing him pain by the choices I’ve made, the price of being an addict and having a mental illness. I will never be able to undo the past, but I have learned from it and making amends will be a life long work on my part.
But today is about Devon and what he has accomplished in the last year; how he has stretched his wings and flown far outside of his comfort zone and the growth he has achieved for his effort. To say that I am proud of him doesn’t do justice to my feelings. Once again, I am grateful to have such a blessings as a son who is as funny, smart, talented and unique as any I could have dreamed up.

Rock on, Goonie, the world awaits.

Wanderlust Unleashed

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I’ve always loved trains. Ever since I can remember trains have held a special place in my heart. Mysterious ladies with “a story to tell” meet up with tall, dark and handsome men; murder happens on trains, as well as fantastic fights on top of trains with the inevitable tunnel that takes out at least one inattentive bad guy. On a lighter note, trains allow for dining and drinking, sightseeing and socializing, as well. Where the train is going is always the best part because I would imagine places that I had read of in books, seen in pictures and been told of in stories. Ireland, home of part of my ancestry, along with Scotland and bits of France and other assorted lands. Growing up in California, I lived where other girls dreamed about and dreamed about living somewhere cloudy and cool with an ocean between us. I love to travel and although I haven’t journeyed often overseas, I am beyond excited to have booked a trip to Edinburgh this December for my birthday.
Yes, I said December. In Scotland. Crazy? Sure. Do I mind? Not at all.
It will be a quick trip, but as I’m hoping it will only be the first of many trips there, it’s a good start. I’ll spend a Wednesday and Thursday getting there and fly back out on a Sunday (my birthday!) arriving home on Monday. I’ll be home for Christmas, our first since Mom passed, which will be good.
To Mr. Liam Neeson (if you happen upon this post by some cosmic turn of the Universe) I will be in Scotland for 4 days and even if you could just meet me at the airport for a quick hug and a photo, that would be the most treasured birthday gift I can think of. No pressure, though. I know you are a busy man and it is during the insanity that is the Holiday Season.
Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled post.
I have always had this wanderlust and believe it is one of the reasons I used to move every 6 months. Not to a new city or anything, just to a different apartment. They were all perfectly decent places, I would just get anxious and feeling trapped or like I had been there too long and I needed to Get Moving. Ever time I travel, whether by train, plane or automobile I feel better. I love meeting new people, hearing their stories of where they’re going and where they’ve been. I love waking up and seeing a different ceiling, hearing new sounds and seeing new sights. It opens a door for me, allowing me to peek into a different world, culture and energy. Even if I’m going to Jackson, Minnesota I know it will be a different world than the one I left. It helps me to reevaluate what my beliefs are when I see them in a different setting. I guess it’s like the Big Fish in a Small Pond/Small Fish in a Big Pond kind of thing. Lastly, when I do return home, I am thankful to be back to the familiar and the routine, at least until the wanderlust strikes again.