Out of the Rabbit Hole I Go

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The mind is a beautiful, complex and multi-faceted thing; it can transform the humdrum everyday ordinary world that we live in to a place of mystery and intrigue, wizards and warlocks, magicians and Merlin. Simply by picking up a book and delving into the words, our minds bring forth every color, character and conversation in such a way as to make us feel as if we are truly living in the story. This is one of the things I love about the mind and as you can imagine (having such a beautiful mind as you do) that with every action there exists an equal and opposite reaction (shout out to Newton) and with every rose there is a thorn (shout out to Poison).

For every magical, fantastical and amazing journey I travel in my mind, there is an equal and opposite journey, which is disturbing, dark and often in a barren desert of desolation, shades of black and slate. It is a forest where trees of self-loathing and doubt grow tall, reaching for the sky, stretching upwards, blocking out the sun of self-worth and self-esteem. It’s the ocean of hurt caused by living a life built on mistakes and bad choices; the riptide always pulling me under, telling me to surrender, to quit and just let go. That’s the only way out of the pain, it lies with the skill of the Devil himself. It pours salt in those wounds, and the mind delivers memories that come as lightning bolts to my brain, branding the memory, embedding it forever to remember as another loss, another failure, another broken heart. Sometimes I feel as though I’m just an ant on leaf in a roaring river of white water, being swept away, holding on for dear life to the fragile grip I have. The emotions make me feel it, the mind makes me believe it. So, I have often wondered how much control do I actually have over this maniacal mind? I have struggled with my emotions for my entire life (as most people with a pulse have) and while I don’t believe I will ever “master” my emotions, I believe I have a better understanding of why feeling them is so necessary. Not allowing the painful memories to be remembered sets you up to forget the lesson that made it so painful, which sets you up to make the same mistake again and again. Not feeling the bad feelings by self-medicating or denial leads to addiction and a loss of connection to reality, a state of constant effort to suppress, forget and wish it into oblivion. If it sounds exhausting, it’s because it is. The truth shall set you free, yes, but as they say…this may hurt a bit.

Ok – so ramble, ramble. Sorry I think I got a touch off path. What all this is about is what happens after I fall down the rabbit hole of these thoughts, these emotions and the resulting isolation, depression and exhaustion. It’s not as extensive as the aftermath of a really good (bad) manic episode, but it has its own challenges; reconnecting with those you l love and who love me, hoping they will still be around and don’t take the time away personally. Rebuilding the self-esteem, the picture of me I carry around in my mind and validating changes that I need to make. The things I need to do to make my life more of what I need it to be and in time, the legacy I leave behind when I go wherever I will go (shout out St. Peter, with any luck). Time to get out of the rabbit hole and back into the world; open the blinds, let the light in and try, try again.

Thanks for stopping by.

Building A Better Me

The beauty of Grace Kelly with

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the compassion and grace of Audrey Hepburn

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shining through those Bette Davis eyes.

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The humor of Gilda Radner,

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the faith of Joan of Arc powered by

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the bravery of Rosa Parks

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along with the beautiful mystery of Ingrid Bergman.

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The confidence of Katharine Hepburn

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blended with the chameleon-like talent of Meryl Streep.

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The natural elegance of Helen Mirren

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alongside the patience (long lost many times) of my mother.

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I’ll keep my curls,

my unique brain and unquiet mind along with

those other qualities I’ve learned to appreciate

throughout the years.

In building a better me, I can be

whomever I wish to be.

 

 

 

My Birth Card

Your Birth Card for December 21, 1967 is:
The High Priestess
With an intuitive edge sharper than piranha teeth, the Priestess knows exactly what her opponents are thinking. Possessing chameleon-like diplomacy this natural born politician can mediate even the scariest family or global dispute. The Priestess is here to find inner peace and make the peace. Famous Priestesses: Henry Kissinger, Dame Judith Anderson, Bill Clinton, Madonna, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Alice Walker, Mozart, Harry Houdini, Edgar Allen Poe, Goethe, Chagall, Ronald Reagan, Norman Mailer, Sydney Poitier, Isadora Duncan

I can attest to mediating the scariest family dispute, but have never had the opportunity nor the inclination to enter the realm of politics, be it domestic or international. I would like to believe that my intuitive edge is sharper than piranha teeth, but the more I think I can get a “read” on people, the more I am surprised at how much my personal feelings, prejudices, pre-conceived ideas trip me up.
I am certainly all about finding inner peace but I also believe that an unquiet mind may never be truly, completely at peace (at least not mine and at least not right now). I do believe that we all have gifts that we may or may not be aware of and that it is part of our journey (individual and collective) to realize those gifts, make use of them and contribute whatever you can to make your little corner of the world a better place to live and grow. This seems like a rather lofty goal when one takes into consideration all the things that are working against us; finding the time in our busy day, pulling our eyes away from the multitude of screens – computer, cell phone, tablet, television, etc. Just looking up and seeing the beauty in the world requires little effort but provides an immediate reward. When was the last time you looked at a sunset? Laid on the grass and looked at clouds or stars or simply the beautiful blue sky? Do you take the time to appreciate even one single rose throughout the course of your day? How many times has true beauty been ignored while our attention is focused on thoughts that are neither beautiful nor positive? We say that we are so busy, there are not enough hours in the day, but is that really true? If Season 2 of your favorite show is streaming on Netflix, do you spend an entire weekend binge-watching it rather than going outside and enjoying the sunshine or calling a friend? I am guilty of doing just that on a pretty regular basis.
I know on an intellectual level that it isn’t the best thing for me and it doesn’t give me anything other than escape, but it doesn’t stop me from doing it.
Taking the time to discover our gifts, to check in with not only our friends and family, but ourselves, is one of the best things we can do. If we were to factor how much time was spent standing in front of the mirror, body-shaming and criticizing what we see, or how many hours spent searching the internet to find something to Make It All Better, it would soon become apparent that there are many hours in the day that are available if we can spend less time searching for answers from external sources and more time going inward; reflecting, healing and above all else, listening. If we hear negative comments and distorted thinking when going inward, we must work to tear down those thoughts and rebuild a more positive, affirming track that speaks truth and offers encouragement and a source of comfort.
If I were to consider myself a High Priestess of anything, it would be of learning the hard way. I have had more hard lessons than would have been my preference, but through those hard times, I learned that I was much stronger, more resilient and more powerful than I had thought possible.
I feel as though I do have many gifts and if I listen to that voice (my intuition) that tells me to stop and speak with someone who looks lost, or to put away my phone and look up to the sky, I am never disappointed. It’s only when I think I know better that I find myself in trouble. I am a work in progress, as we all are. I’m a perfectly imperfect human being that much like the caterpillar who will become the butterfly, my wish is to transform into an even more beautiful, caring, healing, force and find my place in the world, helping those who are afraid and alone, lost and unloved.

This Someone

As I stand inside my mind

The colors of darkness I do find.

The blackness of extreme depression

Brought about by lack of possession

of clearer, lighter, brighter thoughts

of sunshine, beauty, things I have not.

To see the sun halfway in the sky

Think of it as rising to a greater high

See it not as setting, as to an end,

but rather a new day, ready to begin.

If the colors in this mind

Were lighter, sweeter, more sublime

I believe I would have achieved

the inner peace of which I’ve not yet received

Is there hope for this to be?

Can I ever truly love this person that is me?

Will I ever feel that happy glow from gorgeous dreams

Of touching clouds, embracing sunbeams?

Or will I always be so tightly wrapped

in heavy blankets of gloom; so completely trapped?

I do not wish to feel forever down

To hear only the drumbeats of lonesome sound

But change is pain and pain is growing

I cannot keep this all from showing

In weighing the fears of what is to be

Against the measure of this person that is me.

Can I rise above the fears that bind me

and let the truth at last find me?

The courage to do what must be done

is hidden deep within me,

this someone.

-October 1993, Gulfport, MS