Crossroads Crossing

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I am at a crossroads in my life,

Turn left for a wild dream, an impossible possibility

Keep right to continue the course I’m on,

chained to my desk, in my cubicle, confined.

It’s not a cell if there are no bars, right?

Golden handcuffs encircle my wrists, keeping me from straying.

I have been here for two decades already and feel as if

I’m at the Hotel California, workday edition.

I can check out anytime I like, but I can never leave

(well, at least not until I’m 55)

It’s a place of topsy-turvy logic, where the rare and ever-elusive

common sense is supposed to roam, but I have yet to see it.

Where bad and mediocre are rewarded,

good is overworked, anonymous and taken for granted,

worked into the ground, ground into bits.

I ask myself – how much more can I take?

Of biting my tongue so much I have only a stump left

and words pile up likerocks in an empty well,

Feelings of frustration and stagnation rule the day.

Perhaps the crossroads really isn’t about choosing a direction or changing course;

maybe it’s more about attitude and acknowledgment.

Acknowledging the fact that with the soul-sucking atmosphere of any cubicle colony,

comes a steady income and the sense of security.

Keeping an attitude of gratitude and understanding that today’s hardships are

the lessons I’ll need tomorrow.

Understanding that wherever I go, I take myself with me.

Of having faith that there is a greater good and a reason for it all;

Knowing that this, too shall pass.

It all shall pass and all too quickly for the good times, the days of summer and

the wild nights that only youth in its arrogance can orchestrate.

In their place now are quiet nights of contemplation and relaxation,

Looking forward to a new chapter, a new direction and creating new memories,

Traveling and exploring, finding beauty in everyday life,

love in everyday interactions.

I am at a crossroads and I close my eyes, spin in a circle then open them,

walking forward, trusting my intuition to guide me.

With an open mind and my preconceived notions unpacked and left behind,

I move forward, always forward, away from the past, fully living in the present, heading

for a future that is unknown yet I’m certain full of promise.

THE SPIRIT AND THE FLESH

“There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.”
― Mark Twain

I have written before about my adventures in dating, men and everything that comes with that whole endeavor. Since I quit drinking, I have been trying to re-set my moral compass and live a life that is based on truth and honesty. This seems like it would be pretty straightforward: just stay away from certain people (unhappily married men), places (bars, dating sites, back seats of cars) and things (alcohol mostly). I have been doing very well at staying away from the places and things, but the people – let’s just say I haven’t been as successful. Not to say that I am carrying on or having an affair with someone, but there are a few men that I cannot avoid and by necessity must interact with them. I can literally feel the desire coming off them in waves; they are almost angry in their desperation to be recognized, to be loved and to be heard. Not to say that their wives ignore them or don’t love them; they just have gotten comfortable with each other and no longer have that spark, that passion that was so prevalent in the early days of their relationship. Maybe that’s just the way things work when one has been married for so many years, but I digress…

I have been talking to this one guy off and on for quite some time and to say there is chemistry between us would be like saying the sun is slightly warm and a little bright. There is a crackling of energy when we get too close, there is an overwhelming urge to just grab him and kiss him until his lips fall off. It has nothing to do with intellect, reason or anything sane and/or logical; it’s simply a very primal part that is not concerned at all with cause and effect, morals or anything other than I WANT THAT. I have done a fairly good job of keeping that part of me heavily sedated and shut away from the front of my mind, but certain times, people and places make me realize I am fooling myself if I think I’m totally in control of it because I am most certainly NOT.

I believe that anytime we try to better ourselves, something (or someone) will come along and attempt to divert our course. It does not necessarily even have to be an outside source; it can just be our own thoughts. Those cognitive distortions I love so much. That voice in my head that tells me I’d better grab that guy because he’s probably the best I could hope for, as no sane guy would take on a relationship with me. Above all else, the voice that tells me that I am not worthy of love. Those thoughts and that voice have always led me down a dark path to a place of depression, shame and sadness. I know this!!! So why when it speaks, do I immediately believe it still?? Why can’t the positive messages I send myself have the intensity of the negative?

A Christian may say that Satan is trying to get me to lose faith; a psychiatrist might say that it’s due to my childhood; a good friend would say that it’s just a part of figuring out who we are and finding our own personal truths. I say it’s something much simpler – the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I cannot deny the power of attraction, the pull of desire and the sweetness of stolen kisses, but I can certainly try. I know I have been and will continue to attempt to better myself, to control that part of me that is searching for instant gratification, validation and yes, even something as simple as the human touch. Whether I will be “successful” depends largely on what I discover about myself, about love and about what truths are revealed to me. What I do know is that I’m worthy of love, real love and if I have to wait another 20 years to find it, so be it. For now, I will just be aware that if I were to find myself alone with this guy, all of my best intentions would evaporate as soon as my lips touched his and there would be no turning back. For now, I will keep my distance and try to align my thoughts with my goals and my heart’s desire.