She looks as if she’s calm as can be,
Got it together, it’s plain to see.
She has a smile that almost reaches her eyes,
appears to be intelligent, capable and even wise.
Light-hearted, quick to joke and laugh
she is the picture of no worries and it’s all good.
But her smile, her voice and her actions deceive;
inside, she feels as brittle as old, broken bones.
Tears are constantly there, seeking a flaw in the wall
she’s built around herself, her heart, her mind.
She’s trembling on the inside,
slave to a mind that’s anything
She’s clenching her teeth to keep from crying,
she’s trying to ignore the desire to be dead or at least dying.
She knows she wasn’t always this way,
but to remember any differently
grows difficult every day.
The dark, heavy weight brings her to her knees each night
is her only constant companion, her cerebral shadow.
It has life to it and a wicked, twisted point of view that lends
itself to despair, deep depression and brings pain
to the state of simply existing.
Doubt is the seed from which distortion of the mind does grow;
She used to feel powerful, smart and in control
Now she is timid, frightened and beaten down.
She once knew the way to happiness and traveled it daily with great passion
Now she hides away from everyone, not willing or able to put on that happy face,
Think those happy thoughts, hear those words again –
“What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just be happy?”
She stands tall, shoulders back and smile soldered on;
she counts the minutes until she can escape to her sanctuary,
peel off that heavy mask of lies and false smiles,
let those weighted shoulders and brimming tears fall.
the sadness pours forth from her
like lava from a volcano,
oozing, burning hot in its intensity,
suffocating in its weight,
It has a presence, a dark energy and a power
that is invisible to all but her.
She dreams of a day when she can be free
from the darkness and find some light,
Soak up some goodness and banish the dark night.