The other day I had the opportunity to meet up with someone who was very near and dear to my heart for a long, long time a long, long time ago. For too many reasons to list, we were estranged for many years. I was fairly heartbroken and missed this person terribly, but there seemed to be no other way and so I accepted, tried to forget and move on.
Which brings me to that day; a chance to meet up, catch up on things, see each other and pick up the threads of friendship that had been cut so long ago. Sounds like a wish come true, right? Well, not so much. All these feelings of anger, loss, guilt and too many others to identify and/or name came rushing to the surface with all the force of a alcoholic at last call. No one person is ever to blame for anything and I worked hard for a long time to be able to accept my shortcomings, my failures and my poor choices that played their part in the said estrangement, but I never thought I would be so upset and the hurt felt so new and fresh, even so many years later that I could not bring myself to even see this person. Unresolved issues much? I don’t know if this behavior is some sort of defense mechanism, stemming from a sense of unworthiness or just being plain scared to open wounds that I (had thought) were healed. But whatever the reason or rhyme, I chickened out and let that opportunity go by. Will I regret it someday? Possibly. Will I ever see that person? Maybe. Do I know what the Hell I’m doing 90% of the time? Not in the slightest. But the show must go on and so must I. I guess what it really comes down to is I am willing to wipe the slate clean and begin anew or let the old hurts and scars keep me living in the past and in that pain?
I know being estranged wasn’t easy for them either and as always, everyone has their story. I don’t know they were going through or whether they missed me or not, but I do know that we all do the best we can with what we have to work with at that particular place in time. I do know that this person was very important to me, believed in me, supported me and never gave up on me and I miss that. We shared a lot of laughs, celebrated victories and mourned losses together and not only loved each other, but had a great respect and a bond that I believed to be unbreakable. There are few things in this world that are bulletproof and/or unbreakable, but sadly, human relationships don’t usually fall into those categories. There are exceptions to the rule, as with most things in life not black or white and things tend to not make sense or follow logical lines of thought and/or action.
I have written before about people that I cut from my life, divorced myself from that particular brand of insanity and how much better I was for having done it; however, this is not one of those circumstances. I do have a lot of questions that I (think) would like to know the answers to, if there are any answers at all. But at the end of the day, would they make any difference? Do I stop loving someone because my feelings were hurt? Nope.
As the old saying goes – nothing ventured, nothing gained. If I want to gain happiness, forgiveness and love, I must forgive myself for my shortcomings, gain happiness from the good company of others and open myself to love; treasure it and remember without it, there’s not a lot of hope, happiness or light.