So I know I said that I wasn’t going to be writing anymore, but I miss it….and I miss you….so I’ve decided on a compromise – I will continue to write, but it will be without the restrictions that I had placed on what my blog was supposed to be. I felt as though once I had started it, I had to continue along those lines until I was finished or until people just stopped stopping by. But as the survival of the fittest is all about adaptation, so must my blog evolve and adapt. I have grown and changed, so it makes sense that my blog would, too.
I have missed writing to you and pouring my heart out, even though I thought I was done with that. I have encountered people, places and things that made me realize how much I miss sharing those experiences with you, and above all else, blogging is apparently very good for my mental health. When I see a blank page, I know that a story is in my mind, just waiting to fill that empty space and come to life in my readers’ minds and take up residence in their hearts. I can better understand my feelings when I can step back and objectively look at the situation, my part in it and see much clearer where I am erring or where I am holding back. Either way, it works. Just in the short time that I haven’t been writing, I have certainly felt the difference; more cranky, more traffic in the brain (think rush hour in L.A. with a 16 car pileup and everyone is trying to move around it and onto their destination)….CLUSTER. Without a pressure release valve, it gets pretty hairy-scary in there.
My new plan is to have no plan at all; no subject is off limits, there is no specific topic that it will address or be focused on. It will be more of a stream of consciousness type format, where whatever happens to come into my mind and make an impression or change my perspective or simply make me FEEL something. So, those of you who told me you have missed my writing, thanks for speaking up and letting me know. I am so honored to have so many people speak kindly of my writing and have enabled me to be brave enough to put my thoughts, my feelings and my life out there for the scary world to read and (possibly) comment on. I have always considered myself a very private person, but I have come to realize that those who hide away from the world never experience the beauty and kindness that lives in that world; the pain and heartbreak isn’t exclusive to the outside world, as I have certainly experienced them when isolated and alone, so there goes that theory.
The other day I was walking through the grocery store and a man walked by me and in his wake was a combination of smells that stoked the fires of long-ago memories; wood smoke, cologne, leather and a hint of something else I couldn’t put my finger on…maybe coffee?? At any rate, it was as if a movie started playing in my head and I was transported back to when I was about 17 or 18 and I went on a camping trip with some friends. There was a guy (there’s always a guy, isn’t there?) who I had a deep, Liam-like crush on but for perhaps the only time in my life, I was too shy to say anything. He was nursing a broken heart and couldn’t stop talking about his Lost Love. I listened to his story and couldn’t help but think that girl was some special kind of stupid to break THIS guy’s heart. As we sat around the fire that evening, he turned to me and said, “You are the best listener! I feel so badly that I’ve cried on your shoulder all day and haven’t asked a single question about you!” Are you kidding me?? This gorgeous, super-hot, dreamy guy was interested in me??? My heart was all a-flutter and my brain went as quiet as a church on Superbowl Sunday. NO thoughts came to mind, no witty response, no words at all. What did happen was I began to giggle like a 2 year old on a sugar high. I giggled until the giggles became belly laughs and so it went until I had tears streaming down my face and my cheeks hurt so badly from laughing. He was laughing along with me, not sure if it was because he didn’t want me to feel any weirder than I already did or he just caught the same giggle bug I had. At any rate, that was the first time I really felt like I was special. That feeling went dormant over the years and I had completely forgotten that camping trip until the trip to the grocery store and that man walking past me. I was at once smiling at the memory and feeling like my day, along with my outlook, had improved tremendously. I don’t know whatever happened to that super-hot guy, but I do know that the memory I have of that camping trip and conversation around the camp fire will be one of my most treasured memories of what great things happen when I fight the urge to chatter away and listen instead.