I believe we all probably know at least one person who suffers from this condition.
I’ve written before about how much of an impact music has on me and my moods; today I heard a song that I had totally forgotten about and it brought me back to a very bittersweet time in my life. One of those times when you realize something that completely changes your life, your understanding of yourself and of love. Those days were golden, in my mind at the time. I was so in love and felt like I had finally found someone who loved me, warts and all, madly and deeply. Of course, this wasn’t a Disney movie with a happily ever after; more like a sad tale of stolen moments, lust confused for love and a very unhappy parting, with a great deal of sorrow, broken hearts and a bittersweet feeling of loving someone with every fiber of my being and having been loved and, only to discover that was not the case. I know there was love between the two of us, but there was also an inherent distrust. That is (one of the many) bad consequences of establishing a relationship with someone while you’re already betrothed to another. The thought process goes something like this, I know he left her for me so what will happen if someone else comes along OR I know I started this relationship when I was still in another, so what will happen if he gets bored with me? Will he even end it with me or just walk away and start anew with her? A relationship established in dishonesty, secrecy and outright lies will the majority of the time begins with a disadvantage of the burden of the knowledge that what you are doing on a moral level is wrong. If it wasn’t, hiding wouldn’t be necessary, lying wouldn’t be necessary and limiting your time together to hotel rooms, backseats of cars or wherever you can steal your moments, intense and unreal, together. But much like the perfume that clings to you, until you can rush into the shower to wash it away, that empty, hollow feeling is still there; it hasn’t been filled with love or any real emotion. Once the physical sensation of connection is gone, there is nothing else, save the black hole.
Disclaimer – I am speaking from my experiences and should not be taken as someone who is an expert in relationships, although I do have extensive experience in talking with unhappily married men whose wives “just don’t understand”. Any and all points are based solely on my thoughts, feelings and experiences. You may have completely different results, so that’s my disclaimer.
Back to the music; I was feeling pretty down this afternoon after being pretty enraged this morning (mood-wise, it’s always a crap shoot with me) and was looking for a song to lift my mood, give me some positivity to replace the black tar of negativity which seems to be flowing through my entire body right now and found a song that reminded me of HIM. I haven’t thought about him in a while, although I do know he has married again and from all outward appearances, is happy. I am happy for him and his (relatively) new bride but at the same time, hearing that song and being brought back to that time in my life most certainly didn’t lift my mood or put me in a happier, more Pollyanna state of being. Do you know why? I think I do. I think it has to do with all of that is in the past; I have spent more time living in the past in my life than most and I see the futility of it now. I guess what I can do is remember those memories, love the fact that they happened “it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” comes to mind. He helped me to realize that I was worthy of being loved, that I mattered and that no matter how much I wanted to be with him forever and ever, amen, it just wasn’t going to happen. But that doesn’t take away from the times we shared, the secrets we told each other but told no one else; the unconditional love and the feeling that we had met many times before and that I had lived and loved him before in distant times and places. I didn’t set out to find him, my intention was not to destroy my marriage, hurt my husband deeply and lose my mind for a bit in the process, but that’s what happened. Love comes with a price sometimes and perhaps that’s why I am still single. I haven’t given up on love, but I haven’t stalked love, either or become obsessed with finding my Other Half, Better Half, Soul Mate, Lover, Friend, Husband, Partner or any of those other Super Cool Titles that we bestow on those we share our world with. Who knows? I could go to Scotland and meet the man of my dreams (I wish!) or maybe Liam Neeson will finally see the light and seek me out. (hey–it’s my dream, I can wish crazy if I want to) whatever happens, I think the most important thing of all is to love myself. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I am the only person I will spend the rest of my life with.