Radio Silence

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, mostly because I’ve not been feeling like I have much of anything to say. At least, anything I want to share. I am feeling better each day; my medications have been adjusted, I’ve been in therapy that I will continue even after I return to work. I feel as though I’m learning all over again what it means to be me. Not just because of my diagnosis, but also because I am the sum of all my experiences, good and bad. I am the child of an alcoholic, the rebellious teenager, the young mother and the me I am today. Tomorrow I will be slightly different than today, as the dreams and thoughts I have between now and then have the power to make me see things differently, adjust my perception of each passing day as new challenges are presented to me.

I would like to say that I will not have to pass this way again, so far down I cannot see the sky, but I know I cannot predict the future. I do know that I have the ability to sense when things are getting bad and not wait until they are worse before seeking help. I also have a better understanding of my cognitive distortions and how they color my perception of reality, my mood and my interactions with people, both in my private and my work life.

It’s as if I have this wonderful red, shiny toolbox with all the tools and knowledge I have accumulated throughout my lifetime. Some of these tools are rusty, outdated or have no use in my life today; I need to sort through all of this, throw away what no longer serves me and add the new tools I’ve found along the way. I need to remember the tools are there, but they can accomplish nothing by themselves, sitting in my toolbox. I need to take them out, use them and remember they are there for a reason.

I’ve also realized that being inside my head and being alone does me no good. There is a reason why human beings are social creatures; we need each other. My family has always been my rock and my lifeline, as well as being just fantastic human beings in their own right. I sometimes forget that I am not in this all by myself, but like the tools in the toolbox, people cannot help me or befriend me if I never pick up the phone, reach out, invite them over for dinner or just send an e-mail saying how much I love them.

So, my dear family, I love each and every one of you so much. I cannot express how much you all mean to me and how much you have stayed by my side through some really dark times. By family, I include those friends of mine who have been like family to me; who hold a special place in my heart and who have also carried me when I couldn’t walk, loved me when I couldn’t love myself and gave me hope when I had none.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to stop by and read my little blog; it means so much to me.

One thought on “Radio Silence

  1. I’ve been so wrapped up in my endeavors that I’ve not been by here for a long time, so I’m catching up this evening. The toolbox analogy really fits. And it is easy to forget it’s there, and to forget all the tools within (sadly, when we need them most). For me, learning to re-validate myself has been the greatest tool in the box. It’s one of the more tricky tools to learn to use, but I’m getting better with it on a daily basis. I also really feel the truth in your describing being a different person tomorrow… that progression is wonderful, as it allows us to change – it’s an almost visual reminder of the fact that our efforts at changing ourselves for the better do matter. The future is not guaranteed in any sense of the word, but as long as we arrive in the now, we have options and the freedom to act on our desires and needs. Actions steer progression. We benefit from the change over time.

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